I have to say I often wonder if anyone even reads this blog. I sometimes have my doubts. That is why I rarely post here, but I feel on some certain occassions I should post just to say how I am feeling.
Yesterday, the 22nd of November is the 2nd anniversary of my Dad dying. It was hard this year, harder than last year. With losing my Mom it was devastating this year. I have few people to talk to it seems. I can always talk to my wife, but I hate to burden her with my feelings of loss in this time. I have had friends tell me that the fist year is the "hardest" first Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthday, and so on. Last year was hard but my Mom and I had each other to lean on. This year she is not here. I could barely speak of my Dad's death these past few days. I don't even know who I would talk to if I could talk about it. I have been thinking a lot lately. I am a popular person, there are people who I know that I can't even think of, but I feel a lot like I have lost my "friends." The people who you can be deep with, tell your deepest darkest secrets to. I feel like when I am sad, now that I have lost my Mom I have no one that I can talk to on a regular basis about nothingness...or to be deep with or whatever I want to talk about. I can talk to my wife but I hate to burden her with my inner darkness. I just miss my parents and my friends more than anything.
I suppose it's up to me to change that, but right now with as tired and depressed as I am lately I don't know that I can manage it. I am barely sliding by with the responsibilities I have now. Believe me if I had less on my plate it would be the worst thing for me because I would only sleep more and spend more time feeling sorry for myself.
Well, on a lighter side of life I had the wonderful opportunity to speak in Church, Stake Conference actually. My topic was building on a strong foundation. Wow. Why on earth did they want me to talk about that. Wouldn't they prefer someone who has their life together? It was a great opportunity for me to learn about myself and how we build on our foundations. It starts from within ourselves, that is the message Jesus is trying get across to us with the parable of the foolish man who built his house on the sand and the wise man who built his house upon the rock. At least part of the parable, our foundation must be strong, to do that we must build our own strong foundations.
Enough of me today. Allow me to share this short lesson with you before I close though. If you learn anything from me learn this: Never take for granted the people around you. You never know when they will not be there for you to talk to.
23 November 2006
20 October 2006
The man that knows...
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out thewindow and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish
manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98 and 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out thewindow and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish
manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98 and 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so.
13 August 2006
Mom's Funeral
I am more exhausted than I have ever been. I sleep constantly. I don't want to go to work, school, anywhere. I am having so much trouble getting motivated. This has to be the most difficult thing I have ever experienced.
No one seems to understand the loss of two parents at 30. It is devastating. I have an overwhleming amount of work to get done, but little to no motivation to do it.
I miss my Mom so much. I never realized what a value she is in my life. I must have called her anywhere from 3 to 10 times a day, for advice, jokes, chit chat, whatever. It never mattered she was always willing to just chat with me for no reason. I keep picking up the phone to call her, but there is just no use. She is no longer there. I still "talk" to her in my mind and when I am alone, but the trusted voice of experience can no longer answer. I miss her dearly.
I am reassured by my faith in the Church that we will be able to be together forever and for that I am grateful. The pain I know will pass with time, but that does not make right now any less difficult.
No one seems to understand the loss of two parents at 30. It is devastating. I have an overwhleming amount of work to get done, but little to no motivation to do it.
I miss my Mom so much. I never realized what a value she is in my life. I must have called her anywhere from 3 to 10 times a day, for advice, jokes, chit chat, whatever. It never mattered she was always willing to just chat with me for no reason. I keep picking up the phone to call her, but there is just no use. She is no longer there. I still "talk" to her in my mind and when I am alone, but the trusted voice of experience can no longer answer. I miss her dearly.
I am reassured by my faith in the Church that we will be able to be together forever and for that I am grateful. The pain I know will pass with time, but that does not make right now any less difficult.
10 August 2006
As I Prepare
As I prepare for the fineral service of my Mom tomorrow I am saddened by the memory of the events that took place the day she died.
I met with President Rasmussen tonight, he is our local Stake President, he and I will be speaking tomorrow at my Mom's funeral. The topic of our discussion is irrelevant to this post, but I can stand before all and know that it is alright. My Mom is alright, my family will be alright and in general it is okay.
Many of you have contacted me with condolences...thank you. For those who have not I wish the bond of our friendship was stronger. I lay the blame of that weakness squarely on my shoulders. I should have been a better friend. I should be a better lot of things, but I am who I am and I can only continue to do my best. I love you all, I truly do. It is a hard statement to make and to have people believe. I will treasure every moment I have with my friends and family, close or far is irrelevant. Thank you all for being here for me emotionally and in some cases physically.
I met with President Rasmussen tonight, he is our local Stake President, he and I will be speaking tomorrow at my Mom's funeral. The topic of our discussion is irrelevant to this post, but I can stand before all and know that it is alright. My Mom is alright, my family will be alright and in general it is okay.
Many of you have contacted me with condolences...thank you. For those who have not I wish the bond of our friendship was stronger. I lay the blame of that weakness squarely on my shoulders. I should have been a better friend. I should be a better lot of things, but I am who I am and I can only continue to do my best. I love you all, I truly do. It is a hard statement to make and to have people believe. I will treasure every moment I have with my friends and family, close or far is irrelevant. Thank you all for being here for me emotionally and in some cases physically.
03 August 2006
And then it was my Mom
I have had the most truly worst experiences of my life. Yesterday I spent the day running a few errands, nothing important. I decided to drive across town to go see a customer. As I was driving I was near my Mom's home. I got the feeling " I should go check on her." You see I hadn't been able to reach her all day. I thought little of it and kept driving.
Then it happened, I was directed clearly to go to my Mom's house and to go now!
I arrived at her home and could see inside (because her front door was open but her metal door was locked) that she was laying back on the loveseat. I knocked loudly but got no response, then I knocked loudly enough that it should have woken anyone and everyone up. I ran to the back door, couldn't find a spare key, and couldn't get in the house. I called 911, broke a window, asked a neighbor to go through the window (too small for me), he let me in and my worst fears were confirmed. My Mom has died and I am crushed by it. I loved my Mom so much. I called her everyday just to talk to her, just to see how she was doing. I love her and am so sad by this. I can't believe I have just lost both of my parents in less than two years.
I have to tell you all. I have learned that nothing, NOTHING! Is important enough to get mad at someone you love about. You never know when they will pass. I feel fortunate that my Mom and I had a wonderful relationship. We had our little tiffs here and there, but nothing recent. I know that she loved me and I know that she knows that I loved her.
Love everyone, love them with all your heart. Never stay mad. I can't tell you how grateful I am for the relationship that I had with my Mom. I love her so much and miss her more now then I knew that I ever would.
Then it happened, I was directed clearly to go to my Mom's house and to go now!
I arrived at her home and could see inside (because her front door was open but her metal door was locked) that she was laying back on the loveseat. I knocked loudly but got no response, then I knocked loudly enough that it should have woken anyone and everyone up. I ran to the back door, couldn't find a spare key, and couldn't get in the house. I called 911, broke a window, asked a neighbor to go through the window (too small for me), he let me in and my worst fears were confirmed. My Mom has died and I am crushed by it. I loved my Mom so much. I called her everyday just to talk to her, just to see how she was doing. I love her and am so sad by this. I can't believe I have just lost both of my parents in less than two years.
I have to tell you all. I have learned that nothing, NOTHING! Is important enough to get mad at someone you love about. You never know when they will pass. I feel fortunate that my Mom and I had a wonderful relationship. We had our little tiffs here and there, but nothing recent. I know that she loved me and I know that she knows that I loved her.
Love everyone, love them with all your heart. Never stay mad. I can't tell you how grateful I am for the relationship that I had with my Mom. I love her so much and miss her more now then I knew that I ever would.
26 June 2006
Reconnecting
I am usually pretty bad about blogging. Let's face it right I post like once every two months. I am bad at it. I have to say though I do usually post something I feel is funny or important when I do post. I have been sifting around on MySpace.com and found an old friend. I couldn;t believe it. I am so happy to be reconnecting with an old friend. So I guess what I am trying to say is I hope I am able to reconnect with more of my old friends like Janette.
10 April 2006
In celebration of my 30th Birthday
When I was your age...
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning... uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards... carrying their younger siblings on their backs... to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a Straight-A average despite their full-time, after-school job at the local textile mill... where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids... about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But...
Now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet ...we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves!
There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter....with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and f@#! it all up!
You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7- 11! Those were your options!
We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Play station videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!... Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front of you and you couldn't see you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network!
You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning... D'ya hear what I'm saying?!? We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!
We didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up... we had to use the stove... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn... we had to use that stupid jiffy pop and shake it over the stove like an idiot forever.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980.
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning... uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards... carrying their younger siblings on their backs... to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a Straight-A average despite their full-time, after-school job at the local textile mill... where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids... about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But...
Now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet ...we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves!
There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter....with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and f@#! it all up!
You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7- 11! Those were your options!
We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Play station videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!... Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front of you and you couldn't see you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network!
You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning... D'ya hear what I'm saying?!? We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!
We didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up... we had to use the stove... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn... we had to use that stupid jiffy pop and shake it over the stove like an idiot forever.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980.
02 April 2006
Doree the Betta (Our fish)
We have three pets here at our house. One dog, Sassi, one cat, Max, and one fish Doree.
Doree is a beautiful blue Betta. She is our second Betta, Doree number one had a little accident with the bathroom sink one morning. Whoops, slippery little bugger.
Our new Doree has grown considerably over the past few months. We got her a new bowl the other night, and I look at this fish I think of how lonely a Betta must be. They have to be kept seperated from other Betta's because they will fight to the death. All this fish does is swim around its bowl and wait for me to feed it. There is nothing fancy in the bowl, just a few rocks. Is Doree happy? I imagine the answer is yes. Why is Doree happy though? Is it because she is not in a tiny bowl at a petstore? Is it because she has not met the same demise as Doree number one? Is it because she knows no better life than the one we have offered?
I really have no idea why I am even thinking about a silly fish. I suppose it has a lot to do with things that are happening in life that I am unable to talk about. Don't get me wrong nothing in my personal family life is troubling me. I love my wife and kids more than I can imagine.
I watched a great deal of conference this weekend. It was more than I have watched in many years. It was probably the best conference I have seen in some time. Not so much because the talks were any better or anymore moving, but because I was more in tune with the talks that were being given. I am truly grateful for conference and the things that were taught. I look forward to reading over the talks I missed due to work.
I feel like I am just rambling so I am going to close this post now. DC
Doree is a beautiful blue Betta. She is our second Betta, Doree number one had a little accident with the bathroom sink one morning. Whoops, slippery little bugger.
Our new Doree has grown considerably over the past few months. We got her a new bowl the other night, and I look at this fish I think of how lonely a Betta must be. They have to be kept seperated from other Betta's because they will fight to the death. All this fish does is swim around its bowl and wait for me to feed it. There is nothing fancy in the bowl, just a few rocks. Is Doree happy? I imagine the answer is yes. Why is Doree happy though? Is it because she is not in a tiny bowl at a petstore? Is it because she has not met the same demise as Doree number one? Is it because she knows no better life than the one we have offered?
I really have no idea why I am even thinking about a silly fish. I suppose it has a lot to do with things that are happening in life that I am unable to talk about. Don't get me wrong nothing in my personal family life is troubling me. I love my wife and kids more than I can imagine.
I watched a great deal of conference this weekend. It was more than I have watched in many years. It was probably the best conference I have seen in some time. Not so much because the talks were any better or anymore moving, but because I was more in tune with the talks that were being given. I am truly grateful for conference and the things that were taught. I look forward to reading over the talks I missed due to work.
I feel like I am just rambling so I am going to close this post now. DC
18 March 2006
You know what I mean?
Sorry it has been so long since a posting. I am not as good at this as my friend Ryann. Regardless I am back!
Funny thing about Ryann, when she and I were hanging out as friends a lot I use to use the term "you know what I mean?" after everything I said. It drove her crazy. She pointed it out to me by saying things like..."no. what do you mean?" It took me a while to break the habit but I did it. Not an easy habit to break.
Anyway, I started a Marketing class the other night and the instructor says two things after almost EVERYTHING! "You know what I mean?" and "You know?" It is driving the entire class crazy, but especially me. I broke this habit and now have to fight to break it again. It came back almost instantly, I catch myself saying it all the time now! Argh! To give you an idea how often she says it, I counted 22 times in 7 minutes!
I need advice if anyone has it. She is my instructor for this class...do I say something and possibly offend her, or do I keep my mouth shut and crazy?!
Funny thing about Ryann, when she and I were hanging out as friends a lot I use to use the term "you know what I mean?" after everything I said. It drove her crazy. She pointed it out to me by saying things like..."no. what do you mean?" It took me a while to break the habit but I did it. Not an easy habit to break.
Anyway, I started a Marketing class the other night and the instructor says two things after almost EVERYTHING! "You know what I mean?" and "You know?" It is driving the entire class crazy, but especially me. I broke this habit and now have to fight to break it again. It came back almost instantly, I catch myself saying it all the time now! Argh! To give you an idea how often she says it, I counted 22 times in 7 minutes!
I need advice if anyone has it. She is my instructor for this class...do I say something and possibly offend her, or do I keep my mouth shut and crazy?!
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